It's a Couples World...

Especially in Hawaii.

I guess I should have been suspicious when I booked my flights with Hawaiian Airlines.

When I entered "1" for number of passengers, the following internet dialogue began:

Airline: "One Passenger? Are you sure?"

Me: "Yes"

Airline: "I'll have to speak to my supervisor. Please hold."

I was getting kind of nervous in the interim. Was I on a Homeland Security "Watch Out For This Dude!" List? Maybe I shouldn't have thrown that banana peel out of my van's window.

Airline: "We don't get this request often. We will transport your solo body to the Aloha State, but we'll have to assess a being single surcharge. The state of Hawaii doesn't condone this sort of behavior. We hope you understand. Mahalo!"

So I paid extra to be in a winter paradise. Little did I know my I Phone's "Siri" application would be my one source of conversation here. She's good at telling me where to go, but that's about it. 

So...Happy Valentines Day to all you Honeymooners.

I'll be hiding out in my room until the Duo Day blows over. 

I did the same on New Year's Eve.

Don't eat too many chocolates.

Um Um Good...

He/She is  in the soup pot now.

Only joking. Seeing turtles and whales have been the highlight of my time in Hawaii.

Almost as awesome as shopping in Maui.

The great thing about turtles is that they don't run away.

It's Happy Hour Time!

Green Turtle Diaries...

I heard rumors about a shallow lagoon where Man-Eating Green Turtles stalk and prey upon clueless tourists like me. 

Since I'm always on the prowl for a potential blog, I decided to risk it all for my  faithful readers. (All twenty or so of you).

   

These terrible terrapins (they aren't really terrapins, but it sounds better this way) lurk on the shoreline waiting for their two-legged meals to arrive. Then when you are in their surf, they pounce! A few will latch on to you and drag you under until they sense your dying quivers. Then they give each other "High Flippers" before the shredding and munching begins.

These are ruthless marine life forms. They strike fear in the hearts of all sea grasses.

They are harmless (gluten free) vegetarians. They are sort of cute too, in a pathetic way. They are on the Endangered Species list.

I had lunch with one. He/she blinked a few times. That was it. This species has basking down to a fine art form. I was humbled and kind of bored just waiting for him/her to do something! 

I loved it though. 

They live to be around 80. Will he/she remember our brief moment together? I doubt it, but I will. 

Good Night from Kona,

Jeff

It was a good game plan...

Hit the road early, hike through 10 miles of rain forest and have time to give Hilo the once over.

Funny how the hike description and map forgot to mention the 2.5 mile road to the trailhead was on private property. Whoops! With thoughts of the Hawaiian version of "Deliverance" (ukuleles instead of banjos) I didn't force the issue. 

I'll lay it on the I Pad line, if you read something on the "Wandering, Wondering Jew" blog site, the information is accurate and honest. I crossed all my toes and fingers while I typed that. 

So...I played tourist and visited a waterfall, a Botanical Garden and gritty and gray Downtown Hilo.

I drove over 200 miles. They don't call this the Big Island for nada. Fun Factoid: all the other Hawaiian islands combined would fit into the still-growing BIg Island.

I found more Wandering Jews! They seemed pretty well entrenched. They must be on a wandering hiatus. I do that every now and then myself. 

I'm going to limit my driving to less than 100 miles mañana.

Good night from VOGGY Kona,

Jeff

The Beach Chair Blues...

and how to avoid them. 

I wonder, (remember I wander and wonder) if there will ever come a time when I wake up, stretch, scratch a few private places and go sit on a beach chair. That'll be my day. So far, I've been dodging this less than grueling lifestyle.

How do you do it Jeff? Good question.

I owe it all to a pot of coffee each and every morning. 

In the Aloha State, I've been drinking Kona and Columbian brews (Good Stuff). For me it acts like a liquid defibrillator. After downing a gallon, I have to go out and do something. That energy has to be directed somewhere. So I might as well hike to pretty places like this.

Poor Eddie might have drank too much of my brew. He OD'ed. 

I don't condone the use of legal drugs for everyone, but it sure works for me. Time and time again.

Now it's time for an IPA,
Speaking of book sales and IPA's, I sold one Kindle edition of "Destroying Demons on the Diagonal" today. That will buy me one/third of locally made "Throwaway or Big Swill" IPA. Their real names are Castaway and Big Swell. The Hawaiians are more adapt at making java than hoppy beer.

Good night

PS. Those Wisconsin cows (see my shirt) provide the Half & Half for my coffee. God Bless them.

"And now the rest of the story"...

The 1871 Trail acquired it's name from one inter-department mail from  Henry Cooper, Kona road supervisor to F.W Hutchinson, Minister of the Interior dated August 1, 1871.

 "I have remade two miles of road on the beach across the lands of Ke'ei and Hōnaunau, this improvement was much required as the road had become almost impassable."

History lost the second half of this message. But Jeff Sambur, archives sleuth found the aged parchment in a dusty corner of the Kona library. 

Here it is:

"Hey F.W, I wasn't going to bust a nut on this project. It ain't a bowl of papayas (see photo) to try and make a two horse trail out of lava.

Here's my suggestion, if we hang loose until 1959, Hawaii will become a state. Then the Mainland Haoles (White Guys) will come in with Federal Highway Funds and build us a two lane highway. Until that time, we can surf, drink umbrella drinks and work on our tans.

Wadya say?" 

And that's the rest of the story.

Good day!

Jeff (Paul Harvey) Sambur

PS the trail is still good enough for one goose.

Four Hours and a 200 Mile Round Trip...

drive to visit the origins of my cough in Volcano National Park. I know-Stoopid! 

I had a game plan of hiking a long loop, but the recent eruptions vaporized that idea. Volcanos are so inconvenient. 

So I hiked through a crater resembling the end product of a drugged out asphalt paving crew. It's not the most scenic National Park, although the nearby rain forest is pretty neat. 

Damn those Portuguese for introducing the Faya tree so they could make wine. What's the matter? Manischewitz or Morgan David wine isn't good enough?

If a tree can grow in Brooklyn, I guess it can make a living at the bottom of a stark crater. Mother Nature hates a void.

Some visitors donned helmets because they were worried about another cataclysmic explosion. Now that's being paranoid. 

The journey there was so stoopid, I'll do it again. There's a few more craters to see. Who knows, maybe I'll be on hand to see the Goddess Pele really perform. 

Someone should tell the EPA about this park. I know all this noxious venting is in violation of the Clean Air Act of 1970. The NPS needs to be held accountable. 

Have a volcano free day,

Jeff

Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster are...

commonplace compared to seeing me geared up for playtime in the ocean.

This event is extremely rare. Haley's Comet rare. 

First off, I don't swim. I dog paddle or side stroke at best. I'm not a fan of putting my head where air can't enter my ample nose or mouth. 

Second, I'm afraid of water. People drown in it. There's living things in it who would love to make a kosher appetizer of me. You should have seen me get onshore when I spotted a moray eel today. I swam real fast!

Third, I do get seasick. No further explanation needed. I'll spare you the details. 

But today, it was fun. I saw the mentioned eel, a sea turtle, a clown fish, flocks of parrot fish, thousands of yellow tangs (very pretty) and one blow fish. 

I was hoping to whale watch but there were none around. 

I have the gear rented for a week. By that time, I'll be like Mike Nelson of "Sea Hunt" fame. You will be showing your age if you can remember Lloyd Bridges in the starring role.

Maybe I'll get serious and rent a harpoon!

PS. I didn't see Nessie either

Jeff

Why I didn't summit 13,796' Mauna Kea.

Let's see, the dog ate my  PB&J bagel and I was starting to Bonk, so I ate the hound? Nope that won't work. 

Here's the truth. It was too freaking frigid and body slamming windy for a guy who prides himself on avoiding the Season of Death at all costs. My extremities were getting numb (my nose is an extreme extremity of mine). 

There was White Death on the trail. I didn't step on it.

I missed my mark by two miles and 680.46' of the summit. Half of the distance would have been road miles. Yes, I not a total wimp, most Haoles (white folks) drive to the top. 

I did make it to Lake Waiau sitting at 13,115.54' (I love "My Altitude" app). There were no bikini clad beauties there. Maybe a few hardy Ski Bunnies if conditions were right. 

The lake is another Hawaiian sacred place. There's a gazillion of them in the Aloha State. Jerusalem might be the only area on Earth with more sacred places. When in doubt in Hawaii tread softly. 

Mauna Kea is the highest point in Hawaii and it too is a sacred place. It's so special there's a paved road to the top! 

I am still coughing from VOG. In one photo I captured the culprit spewing noxious gases. Everyone hacks here, even non-smokers like me. It was a first for me to be wheezing at altitude. Clean air is so overrated!

Sleep well Mainland and beyond.

I'm knackered!

Jeff

Where Captain James Cook...

Met his Sailmaker. 

All was quiet, scenic and serene at Kealakekua Bay today. There was one history buff (me), snorkelers and three Humpback whales. It's a lovely place.

It wasn't  so peaceful for Captain Cook on February 14, 1779. This cove was the site of his brutal murder. In fact, the perpetrator is known. It was Prince Kalaimanokahoʻowaha (wouldn't Prince Kal be easier to say?) who struck the first blow swinging a mighty club. His accomplishes finished the great explorer, navigator and cartographer off. 

Those Hawaiians sure have funny gift giving ideas on Valentine's Day!

I'm think Cook would have preferred chocolates or flowers.

So what caused this fatal skirmish? 

Stuff! The Natives took a small boat from the Brits and by golly, they wanted it back.

I'm a guy who jettisoned 98% of his stuff. I never miss my former belongings, although having a printer would be handy at times. So take it from me, it's just stuff. Don't get hurt over it.

Good night on Super Bowl Sunday.

PS. Those are yellow fishes in the saltwater picture. Can't you tell?

My quaint pad in...

Kona on the Big Island.

It was a pip squeak plane that took me and a few passengers on a puddle jump of a flight. I'm not sure if I would call the Pacific Ocean a puddle though. The flight crew seated us according to our weight. For those who keep score, I was in seat number one. 

Here's a photo of Mauna Kea with White Death coating the top of it.

I might be there in a few days. There's a lot of lava on this island. It's the Big Baby in the Hawaiian chain of islands. This geologic infant is still growing.

So far, Kona gets two thumbs up. There's more blue collar bars than skin care emporiums here. I like that. Kona coffee is waking me up now. I like that too.

Short hike this morning before the 1 pm Super Bowl start based upon Hawaiian Island Time.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday,

Drink responsibly and Go Seattle!

No Maui Wowie for me...

Tomorrow I'll leave the Valley Island for a short flight to the Big Island. I like the sound of that-BIG!

For me, I can't say I felt the Aloha for this island.

Maybe it's the VOG induced coughing fits I've experienced since landing here. 

Maybe because, I'm a land based mammal and Maui is geared more to the needs of water based mammals. In other words, there wasn't enough for me to do here unless I took up aerobic, competitive shopping. 

How much time can a person spend on a beach slapping sunscreen on and flipping over?

Lastly it's a total in-your-face couples destination. The bonded pairs come in all sizes, shapes and ages. Lots of the younger units come here bearing freshly made babies. I'm tired of the twosomes stopping me (the only single person) in Lahaina to snap my photo. It hurts when they remark, "No one back home would believe this without proof." 

Rumors abound that Maui's officials will round up the dozen or so single people scattered around the island. There's talk of a possible exile on nearby Molokai Island. I guess they fear an outbreak of being single. 

Sort of a modern day version of a Leper Colony. 

Sigh! That being said, it all still beats winter on the Mainland.

Today I made a difference! These Damsels were in distress. They were  Farbluzhet (Yiddish for lost) within a quarter mile of the trailhead. I pointed them in the right direction, gave them a pep talk and walked away. I didn't want to be the third wheel again.

Maybe one day I'll come back to Maui with a girlfriend or just to shop. 

Mahalo,

Jeff

We have a winner!!!

Congrats to Doug and Carmen Brannan. They came forth and claimed the 10,000th Pageview hit prize. Whatever the hell a Pageview is.

http://jeffsambur.blogspot.com/2015/01/be-10000th-pageview-of.html

I've known Douger since he was five years young. Before the masses start screaming "Fix! Fix! Fix!" 

Lemme tell you about this guy. He's as honest as the day is long on June 21st in Fairbanks, AK. I'm his unofficial uncle who never received a church communion. Despite this drawback, I am still allowed entry into all Brannan family functions. For this, I have always been grateful. 

When he says he was the 10,000th hit, he was. 

This won't be the first or last time I spring for Happy Hour and dinner for him and Carmen.

I'll even pick up the tab for their tykes. 

Next contest? The 15,000 Pageview hit. One day, I'll figure out the meaning of a Pageview.

Goodnight,