“Hi! I’m Jeff. I like hanging out…

with pikas. Frankly, I’d rather spend time around pikas than most people.”

No. I wasn’t introducing myself at a Pika Lovers Anonymous meeting. I was attending a Mountain Studies Institute “PikaNet Project” monitoring class. 

Our instructors Jewell and Elin had asked all the wannabe “citizen scientists” to gather in a circle and state our names and the “why?” we were there. Our monikers and reasons varied, but our pika love/obsession was real. 

Once the intros were done. Jewell and Elin launched into in-depth pika lecture. For a guy who craves pika info almost as much as Happy Hour IPAs, this was a compelling class. 

Here’s some of the fine points:

A) Pikas are in the rabbit family. Just don’t expect them to squeak, “What’s up Doc?”

B) Female pikas have two litters/season. Number of tykes varies from 1-6. 

C) Pikas are territorial. (Somehow it’s hard for me to imagine a turf war breaking out between two tiny vegetarian fir balls.)

D) Pikas eat their own poop. OK, not a menu item for humans, but it works for them. Spoiler Alert! They only eat their soft nutrient rich poop. 

E) Pikas are cool to Marmots sharing their high country real estate.  There’s safety in numbers. Both species call out alarms upon approaching threats. IE: coyotes, weasels, bobcats, eagles and unleashed dogs. 

F) BUT! Here’s the best new factoid I learned. Pikas stay active all year, unlike their slacker neighbor Marmots who hibernate. So while the marmots are in a deep REM pattern during the winter, pikas will crawl into their burrows and spoon them to stay warm! (There was no mention if the pikas take the liberty of dry humping the marmots legs.)

After our pika lecture, we set out for the survey site. The area was, of course  spectacular, after all Pikas are connoisseurs of natural beauty. (Like me). 

We were then told to pair off to conduct a “practice” survey. I joined Jordan (a young MSI intern) and Dan, another senior whose  quiet demeanor hid a vast knowledge of the western landscape. He also carried a mortgage payment’s worth of cameras around his neck. 

We chose a ubiquitous chunk of talus slope to examine. Jordan began peering under rocks looking for sign of old or new hay piles. (Yes, pikas are furry farmers). Dan shot photos and I gazed around looking for actual pikas. We filled in the blanks of the survey forms. Coordinates. Check. Relative size of talus slope. (No “bigger than a bread box” option). Temperature in the shade. Check. Length of longest rock. (In meters). Average size of tenth largest rock? Presence of meadows, willows or water. Check. Any marmot neighbors? ETC.

Our objectives were met, so I continued waddling gingerly up the loose rocks. There! In the distance. Score! I saw and photographed the groups one and only pika sighting. 

Mission accomplished. We regrouped and headed back to our meet up place. Jewell made a few closing comments, as the rest of us went through the usual platitudes of “So long, so good to know you” 

Afterwards I was determined not to let this new found pika knowledge go to waste. I wanted to supply sound science to Pikanet and the Pika Patrol app. So I loaded up Sanctuary One for an arduous journey to the rarified air of extreme western Kansas. Yes I’m talking about the Mighty Mount Sunflower Massif. A tried and true venue for sightings of these elusive fluffy mammals.

Whew! Once I made it up a gnarly 4x4 road, I set up my observation post. Since it was Happy Hour, I grabbed a DIPA and my camp chair to search for my beloved little buddies. Lucky for me, I’m  a pika whisperer. I’m also fluent in Piddish. (A blend of pika speak and Yiddish). 

It didn’t take long for Pinchas the pika to drop by for a schmooze.

“OY! Jeffie! My heart soars like an eagle (even though they try to eat us) to see you again! How goes it?”

“Shalom Pinchas! You’re looking well. I’ve been spending lots of time visiting old pika shtetls. I’m verklempt to say this, but I’m seeing less of you folks. In some places the pikas have all gone missing!” I then wiped away a few tears. 

“Jeffie! Me and my mishpocheh (family) are struggling too. We aren’t a thriving shtel either.”

Pichas took a deep breath and began a full-on rant. Justifiably so.

“We pikas cannot believe your fellow Mericans went meshuga (crazy) and elected the same schmuck (idiot) again. This time the Commander of Shnorrers (takers and grifters) created a Cabinet of Putzes. All bowing to his insane wishes. Anti-vaccine, anti-science, anti-immigration, anti-Gobment, anti-environmental regulations, screw the poor to benefit the rich and worst of all, for us, deny climate change even exists! We’re plotzing from the heat! When did “greed is good” and “selfish capitalism” become so ingrained in Merican culture?

Plus! If that’s not enough the kinder (children) are having nightmares about Kristi Noem. They heard she shot her own dog and now they’re afraid, she’ll use them for target practice. The cost of therapy ain’t bupkis either. A hay pile per session! OY! It’s not easy being a pika these days!”

As Pinchas wrath was petering out, I broke the tension as best I could.

“Pinchas! I brought along a 6-pack of IPA (Idaho Pika Ale) for you and all the other landsman nearby. Gather them around, without turf wars! And I’ll pour out shots for all of you.” 

“Jeffie! That’s great! You’re a true mensch. Let’s Feyerlekht! (Party!)”

Needless to say, it doesn’t take long for pikas to get a bisl fershnickered. (A little drunk). They began singing Hava Nagila, followed by bawdy pika drinking songs. Then in a rare moment of quiet, Pinchas tapped his shot glass with a pebble to get everyone’s attention.

“Mazel Tov and L’Chiam to Jeffie! A mitzvah on him for being the voice of pikas. He lives among humans who have no empathy for each other. Why would they care about us! But merts eshem (God willing) he keeps trying to get the good word out. A sincere sheynem dank" (Thank you very much).

OK. By now I had a few high attitude real IPAs and once again I got a bit verklempt.

So now I’ll beg, cajole and plead to please vote responsibly. It’s not only humankind’s future at risk, it’s little mammals who are so endearing to people like me.

May the force of the pikas be with you. 

Jeffie 

Last photo: BIGLY pika.