I have acute Chionophobia...

From the source of all knowledge. AKA Google.

The fear of snow, or chionophobia, is often linked to other phobias. Those with fears of cold or severe weather. 

It’s safe to say I’m no fan of winter. Never was nor will I ever be.

I have my reasons. Mostly they are the close encounters of death/injuries I’ve experienced due to the icy white stuff. For me, winter has never been about making snow angels. The cold season is about avoiding snow demons.

Here’s a few frigid examples:

The first and last time I went downhill skiing was back in 1978. After a few runs on the “Bunny Slopes”, my friends  deemed me worthy of the “Black Diamond” slopes at Aspen Highlands ski area. I wasn’t ready. The mountainside was a sea of humpback whale-sized moguls. I made a lame attempt to retreat to easier grades. Alas, a ski went one way, my knee went the other way and POP! No more intact anterior cruciate ligament. My left knee has never been the same since. 

Years later, I tried cross country skiing. On one particular bad day a storm rolled in unexpectedly when me and a buddy were sliding around on Montgomery Pass in Colorado. The  snow began to fly horizontally. The visibility went opaque. The trail became obscure. The temperatures were spiraling down in an un-summer like way. We somehow managed to grope our way down through diminishing conditions and impending night to the parking lot. I kissed my jalopy. That was the last time I went cross country skiing. 

Then there was  the time I was returning from Moab, UT back to Fort Collins, CO. It was mid-November and I was heading east on I-70. My Ford Explorer hit a malevolent patch of black ice. I slid south to north across three lanes of traffic. Miraculously a 80,000 pound gross vehicle weight semi-truck took evasive action and narrowly missed me and my Ford by three feet. I doubt if I would have survived a direct hit. I had to pull off the Interstate to regain my composure after that one. It was about the last time I ventured into the mountains during winter driving conditions. 

Here’s one more Owwie. Recently, I hit the concrete after slipping on clear ice in Durango.  I mangled my elbow. This occurred over two weeks ago. I can now barely raise my right arm above my head. It takes a few double IPAs and handfuls of aspirins to dull the pain. 

Lastly Jews weren’t bred for winter. Moses and his Hebrew minions didn’t wander around the steppes of Siberia for forty years eating cold manna. They were tough and hung out in a cloudless Middle Eastern desert without the benefits of sunscreen or skin moisturizers. Jews aren’t called the “Frozen Chosen.” Which brings up the old joke. “What’s a Jewish woman’s favorite wine? Answer. “I wanna go to Miami!” 

My mental and physical injuries weren’t always centered around me. During my career as a firefighter/EMT I attended to many senior citizens who had run-ins with Jack Frost. We’d find Edna or Elmer lying supine on the cold ground. Kind citizens or caring family members would heap piles of comforting blankets upon the Old Timers. We were always extra gentle with these elderly patients. Eventually we would pull the blankets aside to access their injury. If we saw a shortened leg awkwardly rotated outward, we all sighed a silent “Oh Shit!” A probable broken hip. For these unfortunate folks the next blanket placed upon them might go up and over their heads. A fractured hip from an icy slip is a death sentence for many elderly.

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2018-06-hip-fractures-elderly-death-sentence.html

Falls weren’t the only problems seniors faced. There’s influenza, carbon monoxide poisoning and just dialing 911 because they felt isolated and alone. On wintery call outs where we didn’t require all hands on deck, I’d grab a snow shovel and clear their steps, sidewalks and doorways. It was my preventative maintenance program to keep these Oldsters out of the morgue. I knew one day I too would grow old.

For these reasons and so many others, (IE: long shadows, short days) I fear the harsh season. 

Am I happy about this? Absolutely not. Being a snow and cold weenie makes life complicated. It’s expensive too. (I’m now paying rent in Durango as well as in Snobsdale, AZ.) i never wanted to leave Durango, just winter. 

I don’t want to slip and break my hip! 

Cheers from Snobsdale where nobody knows your name,

Jeff

PS. You know another thing I don’t like about winter? There are no flowers or baseball.